CHAPTER ONE: WHY BULLSEYE MARRIAGE?

Sara tells the story....

We walked into Viking Archery and were greeted by a water fountain and a big brown bear that graced the room.  The bear hovered, frozen in taxidermic time, over a set of chairs in the midst of many arrow selections and hunting paraphernalia. Through an opening in the wall immediately to our left, we saw two men and a woman sitting behind a counter, watching TV.  They looked up when we walked in.

 One of them asked, “Can we help you?”  I said, “I called about coming in and using your indoor archery place.”  The woman responded, “Have you ever shot arrows before?”  Francis told her he had taught archery in the past.  I told her that years ago I had taught archery at a day camp, but that was only because they did not have anyone else to teach it.  It was not because I knew anything about it.

As we spoke, we walked into the room with the counter as one of the man fired questions at me:

“Are you right-handed or left-handed?”

“Mostly right, but I shoot pool left-handed.”

“Which hand do you throw a ball with?”

“Normally, my right hand.”

“Are you right-eye dominant or left-eye dominant?”

“I have no idea.”

“Can you see the targets?” he asked, as he pointed through a large open window behind the counter that provided access to the Indoor Archery Range. 

“Yes”

“Point to the center of one with both eyes open.” I obediently pointed at the target.  He instructed, “Now close your right eye.”  I followed his direction and the target looked like it moved to the right.  He told me then to close only my left eye.  I said, “Now the target is on the left.”  The man started laughing and the woman spoke up.  “Take both of your hands and put them together leaving a triangle opening.”  She demonstrated this action and looked at me through the opening in her hands.  I held up my hands in the same manner and looked at her with both eyes through the triangle opening in my hands.  She said, “Close your left eye.”

“I can still see you.”

“Open your left eye and close your right eye.”

“I can’t see you through the opening anymore.”

“You are right-eye dominant."

The man, who had fired all the questions at me, walked into the Indoor Archery Range and indicated that Francis and I were to follow him. We followed him over to a section of the room where bows were hanging.  He took one down and strung it and handed it to me.  “See if you can pull that.”  He did the same with Francis with a different bow. The bows looked the same but the tightness of the string was based on our strength to pull it back.  Both Francis and I were right-eye dominant so he selected a bow that assisted us in shooting effectively with our right eye.

He handed us several arrows each and directed us to one of the designated shooting areas.  There were several people already shooting.  The man said that when everyone was finished shooting, someone would say “pull” and that would mean everyone stops shooting so they can go pull the arrows from the target.  He asked us if we wanted to shoot at the existing target or if we wanted a new one.  Both Francis and I replied that we wanted a new one.   He went and got us two new targets and when someone said, “pull” we walked down and he showed us how to put up our new target. 

When we walked back to the shooting area, both Francis and the man gave me some lessons on how to stand and how to set the arrow.   The first arrow I shot did not make it to the target.  There was a gentleman in the next shooting space who watched me shoot.  He mentioned he was an instructor and asked if I would like a few tips.  I said “Of course”.  He proceeded to give me tips on how to stand, “your body should make a perfect upright T formation.  No leaning.  Pull the arrow to your nose, rest your thumb underneath your chin, get the target in sight, let go and watch the arrow all the way through till it hits.”  I combined his instruction, with what Francis and the other man had said and shot another arrow.  This one actually hit the wall near the target!

For the next hour, Francis and I shot arrows at our targets.  The instructor would interject other tips on improving our ability, which Francis and I would incorporate into our shooting practice.  Francis was much more consistent with getting on the target.  I improved as I continued to practice.  In the end, Francis had a target that had many hits with one in the bullseye area.  I had as many arrows hit the wall around the target as on the target, but I did get two in the bullseye area!

We discovered that we had used muscles that we had not used on a regular basis. As we got tired and those muscles got a little sore, it was harder to stay accurate.  We were often off the target during that time.  We also found that there were some tools that helped with easing the hurt such as finger covers that protected the fingers from hurting each time you pulled the bow back and arm bands that eased the muscles.

Both Francis and I had a desire to get it right in the center of the bullseye area. Even though we did not do it in that round, we had a great time trying!  We had gone to practice archery to see if there were some good analogies between archery and shooting for a great marital relationship. We had been writing a book on relationships and had conducted marriage conferences under an earlier title A Bridge to Love: Intentionally Building a Great Marriage.  

The Bridge title came out of a discussion we had with a friend who had insisted that we should write a book on marriage.  He, earlier in his life, had the opportunity to meet Viktor Frankl, the well known psychiatrist who wrote Man’s Search for Meaning.  One of the things that Viktor Frankl had encouraged our friend to do was to take a paper and on the right side of the paper write down all the things he wanted to accomplish in life.  On the left side of the paper, Viktor Frankl instructed our friend to write down where he was at the present time, where he was now.  The last step was to draw a bridge from the left side of the paper, where he was now, to the right side of the paper, where he wanted to be. “Then Viktor Frankl. told our friend, “Work towards building a bridge in your life that gets you from where you are now to where you want to be.”  

Viktor Frankl’s instruction to our friend translated in our mind to intentionally building a great marriage. We used the analogy of the bridge in the early stages of writing and in the marriage conferences we conducted.  But as we presented it at the earlier marriage conferences  the bridge analogy kept falling short.  It did not quite get us to what we were shooting for in writing the book and conducting the marriage conferences. The purpose of Viktor Frankl’s exercise was to get our friend to focus on what he was aiming for in life not the building of the bridge.  The building of the bridge was the skills and experiences and knowledge that he would need to get him to where he wanted to go.  The bridge is incredibly important, but it is not what we are aiming for when we set out to go somewhere, it is a way to get us there.

It was the word “aim” that moved us to focus on the analogy of the Bullseye.  When we discuss our marriage and what we are aiming at we always conclude that what we want is a great relationship.  There are many tools, books, and experiences that assist us in getting where we want to go but to be effective we need to keep in mind what we are shooting for in our marriage. The archery analogy began to form in our minds.  We changed the title to Bullseye Marriage: Intentionally Targeting a Great Relationship. 

So after our practice run at Viking Archery we went to dinner to see if there were some effective analogies in what we had just experienced and in shooting for a great relationship in marriage.  The chapters of the book came directly out of that experience: